Sit and Look Pretty
I have two older brothers and four male cousins, three of whom are older. Needless to stay, I grew up around boys. And, yes, I wore so many bows. My mom and aunties were very excited to finally have a girl. My mom was prepared to have another boy and my name was going to be Jeffery. After I was born, she looked at my dad holding me and asked him if he wanted to name me Denise, after him. Yep, he named his baby girl after him. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve opened up ties or socks at Christmas because whoever handed out the presents didn’t notice the tag said Dennis and not Denise. We were both born in August, 33 years and 9 days apart.
My entire life I have been told that I am just like my father. As a young girl, this comment would often confuse me. My dad was extremely kind and smart, but also stubborn and very strong-willed. He’d say whatever he was thinking without much of a filter, ever. He was actually shy unless he was talking about a topic he was passionate about. In his industry, he was known as the guy with a strong moral code of ethics. He would always fight for the underdog. He wasn’t afraid to cause a ruckus if it was for something he believed was right. Most loved him, but some disliked him. He could rub you the wrong way or win you over in a matter of minutes.
Children grow up in a world filled with gender constructs. From an early age they are told how to act and what to play with. Don’t get me wrong, I loved my baby dolls Jennifer and Melissa (yep, I am an 80s baby), but my favorite things to play when I was a little girl were office and school. I was always starting a business or teaching a class. I worked at my parents' gas stations in high school and I loved it. I got to see Dad in action. He was always so good to his employees. He taught my brothers and me early on that, without them, we wouldn't have food on the table. He was unconsciously devoted to raising me differently.
Around middle school I learned that girls aren’t expected to be strong-willed and outgoing. We aren’t supposed to speak our mind and question authority. It was hard for me to sit back when I saw what I perceived to be an injustice. By high school I embraced myself more but always felt like I was just too much. Too excited, too outgoing, too talkative, too much of a leader. I still do find my inner critic calling myself bossy and opinionated. The truth is some characteristics are more celebrated in boys than girls.
Back to my dad… Over the years I learned that it is an honor to be told that I remind others of him. I miss him terribly. When he was getting sick, he asked me to learn how to run the family businesses. When he passed away (the same month our twins were born) he left me to run it all until my mom sold the business almost a year later. He was misunderstood in many ways and he died much too young. I’m not sure that he ever really realized that he was already enough, or “enuff,” as he spelled it. Men suffer from this feeling too. He is a big reason why I write about “enoughness.” It is a journey for all of us.
We have three daughters and the new line I hear all the time is that they are payback for me when I was a little girl. They are all characters. They are happy, not bubbly; strong-willed, not bossy; in touch with their emotions, not over-sensitive; and full of energy, not hyper. They are athletic, creative, and brilliant. They play with everything from Hot Wheels to Care Bears. They are also extremely kind. I see my dad in them, and it makes me realize that his legacy lives on.