Trust Your Gut
So much goes into choosing your child’s first school. But before I begin, let’s start with a moment of silence for the privilege of even being able to consider this option. Just know that your child is starting their academic career ahead of many children in the United States. According to the Public Policy Institute of California, in 2016 approximately 35% of three-year-olds went to preschool and 56% of four-year-olds. That means a whole lot of kids don’t. So before you stress yourself out with making the perfect decision (hint: there isn’t one), pause and take a deep breath of gratitude.
Choosing a preschool was overwhelming for me. As a judgy educator I wanted to get it right. I toured numerous preschools in Marin that would take a two-year-old. We had a little condo in Corte Madera and were excited to welcome our second child. We were in shock to learn that our last embryo had split. Our family of three became a family of five within a day. We panicked, sold our home, and moved north to be closer to family.
Our oldest was just 25 months old when her identical twin sisters were born. I wanted her in a loving preschool where she could grow socially, emotionally, physically, spiritually, and cognitively. I found the most amazing Montessori preschool and fell in love with her teachers. They held my hand while I navigated three children, 2 and under, losing my father and mother-in-law in the same month, and running a family business. I was a hot mess. Late for pickups, beyond exhausted and stretched to the max–oh yeah, and I needed a hip replacement which I finally got in April of 2019, but that’s for another article. When it was time to sign her enrollment letter for the following year, we simply couldn’t afford it.
I switched her to a different school. One that I toured previously and had immediately ruled out. A mom friend had told me it was amazing, it wasn’t. Beyond the “free” organic lunches, it sucked. And I knew better, but I was too scared and embarrassed to change her school again. I was also desperate for more hours of care. About six months into her attending the second preschool, which was supposed to be Reggio influenced (it wasn’t), they forgot her outside after playtime. She was locked out, banging on the door, and they didn’t even notice. When I picked her up, she was luckily unscathed. She thought it was cool that she had the playground to herself. I asked how long she was outside unsupervised as a 3.5-year-old and the director/owner said anywhere from five to ten minutes. I felt horrible. I should have trusted my gut.
I finally got her into another school that I had previously toured, and again ruled out but I was out of options. I was desperate, exhausted and grieving. Here she was, almost four years old and was already in her third school. The mom-judgment was real, but mostly from myself. I helped my mom sell our family business and was happy when I could pick her up by noon. It was a religious play-based school. Great for some kids, but not for mine. I quickly felt the intrinsic bias toward our biracial black daughter, but thought I was overreacting. I wasn’t, she felt it too.
When the pandemic started there was a part of me that was so relieved to know that my baby was going to be home with me. Being home full-time with a four-year-old and two-year-old twins was darn near impossible at times, but at least they were with me. I quickly tapped into my education background and signed up for an amazing curriculum program that provided me with music, art projects, books to check out from the library, etc. It gave me four hours a day with them where I wasn’t merely surviving.
In December of 2020 I found a townhouse in San Rafael and knew we wanted back into Marin. I called a friend of a classmate I grew up with and she suggested I visit a preschool in Terra Linda that she had heard wonderful things about. I fell in love. I toured in March of 2021 with the twins and while I was on the tour the director asked me to go home and get our oldest. I explained to her what she had gone through with her previous school experiences and I cried from the tremendous amount of guilt I had been shouldering. The twins didn’t get in until September of 2021, but our oldest was enrolled the next week in a makeshift kindergarten class that was created in response to the pandemic. Only problem, she should have been in transitional kindergarten. She was five with a bunch of kids turning seven. She loved it though, thank goodness. We decided to keep her there for another year so she could have consistency during her true kindergarten year. She graduated in June and is off to 1st grade and our twins are starting their TK year there in a couple of weeks.
Same mom, three kids, many different experiences. I tried my best. I failed a couple of times. Our oldest is more than okay. I learned. I forgave myself (well almost…I’ve still got some work to do). Here is the moral of the story: your baby is going to be more than okay because you have the purest of intentions for their well-being. Listen to yourself, you know them best. Trust your gut. Choose the school that is right for you and your family. And please, don’t ask other mamas where their child goes to preschool just so you can judge their answer. We don’t need another reason to compare ourselves. Mompetition is overrated and you're bound to lose if only with yourself. Trust they know what is best for their family. And trust that you do too.