When I Grow Up

Published on July 6, 2023
Southern Marin Mother’s Club

I have just entered a new phase of motherhood…school age children. In the Fall of 2023, I will have a Second grader and two Kindergarteners. It is hard to believe. The saying long days, short years is so true, but I’d be lying if I didn’t admit that life as a mama has gotten a bit more manageable. The girls sleep through the night, except when they’re sick, and this simple shift has single-handedly transformed my capacity as a human. Sleep is a cornerstone habit for me and in the first five years of motherhood, you don’t always get a lot of it. The girls know how to use the bathroom, get dressed, and kinda brush their teeth (parental guidance highly suggested but that’s another article on the dentist). A colleague of my husband told him that once your children start losing teeth, hold on tight because the years will fly by. And they have, I feel like just yesterday they were just age 4, 2, and 2. 

I always thought I’d be an educator while being a mama. This would allow me to work their same schedules and to really check out in the summer months and during holiday breaks. What other profession in the world do you get to literally check-out, restart, plan, organize, and refresh your skill sets every 9-10 months or so? But life has taken a bit of a turn since I was last in the classroom in 2015. Agreeing to run the family business and then selling it sparked my entrepreneur spirit. I homeschooled our girls during lockdown, launched a short-lived coaching business (it was at a time where everyone was a life coach), wrote ¾ of my first book, started a column, and became the Chief of Staff to an Impact Fund. Yep, that is many career lives in my 42 years of existence; fundraising, events, education, motherhood, writer, and now finance. 

So, the question still weighs true, “What do I want to be when I grow up?” Three things really: a mom (check), someone who works in an office - I loved to play office (check), and a teacher (check). I am what I wanted to be. It’s important to pause and let that soak in. Mama, you are who you wanted to be, and, even though you’re going to keep dreaming and achieving, don’t forget to celebrate the victories.

A few friends have asked when I am going to go back and do what I love. Truth is, I don’t know. For the first time in my life I am pausing to listen to myself. I have always been a gunner. Always stepping up, always leading, and always supporting but there is something deep inside that simply desires peace. I am getting smart enough to know that peace doesn’t come from the car we drive, the house we live in, or the title we hold at work. It’s birthed, cultivated, and nurtured within yourself. 

I am stepping back a bit from The Nurtured Mommy concept. Funny thing I realized is that all this self-care talk about how to nurture ourselves seems or actually is impossible in the early years of motherhood. What we need is a good shoulder to cry on and a cup of coffee. I am just now getting around to truly nurturing myself again, and I have accepted that it will never be in the same ways that I did prior to becoming a mama. I am at peace with that, for now.